Before you begin You can use this guide on your own or with someone you trust beside you. They can read the prompts aloud or help you decide where to begin. After someone dies, practical decisions and ordinary responsibilities often arrive alongside grief. There may be people to contact, arrangements to consider, forms to complete, meals to make, work to manage, and questions you are not ready to answer. This guide is a place to gather what is in front of you, decide what needs attention now, and identify what can wait or be shared. You do not need to complete every section. Begin wherever it would be most useful. Your words remain private. Nothing you enter is submitted to Death Doula Magazine or IEOLCA. Your answers are stored only in this browser on this device so you can return to them later. Use “Clear page” whenever you want to remove them. 1 Begin with what is in front of you The first days can feel crowded with information, decisions, and people. Gathering a few details in one place may make the next step easier to see. What feels most pressing right now? Choose anything that fits. A decision A phone call Arrangements A form or paperwork Telling someone Caring for a child Caring for an animal Work or school Food, medication, or rest Finding some quiet Something else If it would help to keep these details here: Name of the person who died (optional) Date of death (optional) What is already being handled? Choose anything that fits. The first calls have been made The people closest to us have been told Care for children or animals is arranged Work or school has been notified Immediate arrangements have begun Someone is helping with practical tasks Something else that is already being handled Who needs to hear from me directly? You might think about family, close friends, an employer, a school, a faith or cultural community, or someone who needs practical information. Who could help tell other people? A family member, friend, colleague, or community member may be able to help. How much energy feels available to you right now? 1Very little 2A little 3Some 4Quite a bit 5A lot What is using most of your energy right now? 2 Make today a little more manageable Not everything has the same urgency. Consider arrangements, phone calls, children or animals who need care, meals, transportation, household tasks, work, and paperwork. Then give yourself permission to make distinctions. Which kinds of tasks are in front of you today? Choose anything that fits. Arrangements Phone calls or messages Food Caring for children Caring for an animal Transportation Medication or appointments Household tasks Work or school Paperwork or bills Visitors Something else Needs attention What truly needs to happen today? What needs attention today Can wait or be simplified What can be postponed, shortened, or done differently? What can wait or be simplified Someone else could carry What could another person do or help with? What someone else could carry If only one thing gets done today, what would be enough? 3 Care for the person carrying all of this Care does not have to mean feeling better or returning to how you felt before. It may simply mean helping your body and mind through the next part of the day. What might support you today? Rest or sleep Food or water Quiet or fewer decisions Company Fresh air or time outdoors Gentle movement Practical help Connection with someone I trust Something else that may help One small choice I can make for myself today 4 Ask for concrete help People often want to help but may not know what would be useful. A specific request can make it easier for both people. What kind of help would take something off your plate? Choose anything that fits. A meal Grocery pickup Caring for a child Caring for an animal A ride A household task Making phone calls Updating other people Help with paperwork Quiet company Something else What would help Who I could ask How I might ask First task that would help First person I could ask How I might make the first request Second task that would help Second person I could ask How I might make the second request Third task that would help Third person I could ask How I might make the third request “Would you be able to bring dinner on Thursday? You can leave it at the door if I am not up for company.” “I have a phone call I need to make, but I am having trouble beginning. Could you sit with me while I make it?” “I do not have the energy to explain everything right now. Could you update the rest of the family for me?” 5 Prepare for work or other responsibilities If you are returning to work, school, caregiving, or another responsibility, consider what may make the return more manageable. Share only what feels appropriate with the relevant person. What would you like the relevant person to know? Choose anything that fits. Someone close to me has died My energy or concentration may vary I prefer to keep the details private I may need brief breaks I am not ready to talk about the death I would like one person to update others for me Something else you would like them to understand How would you like the death to be acknowledged? Mention the person by name Acknowledge it privately Tell the team for me Keep the acknowledgment brief Do not bring it up while I am there I am not sure yet Something else What temporary flexibility or support may help? Adjusted hours A lighter workload Fewer meetings Fewer public-facing duties Flexibility with deadlines A quiet place Working from home, if available One trusted contact person Something else that may make returning more manageable Who can I contact if the day becomes difficult? A brief response I can use if someone asks how I am 6 Keep track of the next few days You may be holding appointments, calls, visits, arrangements, deadlines, and questions all at once. Write down the next thing you need to remember. You can return to this section as plans change. What are you keeping track of? An appointment A phone call A visit An arrangement A deadline A practical task Something else coming up Date Who is handling this? What information or documents are needed? What can be prepared ahead of time? Who could come with me or help afterward? Notes for the next few days 7 Let others know what support means to you Support is personal. You may want conversation, practical help, quiet companionship, privacy, or something different from one day to the next. Support that usually feels helpful to me Quiet company Someone listening Practical help Meals or groceries Messages without pressure to reply Talking about the person who died Help making decisions Space and privacy Invitations without pressure Checking in again later Something else that may feel helpful Things that tend to make the day harder Unexpected visitors Too many questions Advice I did not ask for Being rushed Pressure to respond Avoiding the person’s name Being told how I should feel Decisions being made for me Something else you would prefer people to understand Something I wish the people around me understood Carrying on can look different each day On one day, carrying on may mean making a phone call or completing a form. On another, it may mean eating something, answering one message, asking for help, or getting through the first quiet evening. What is manageable today is allowed to be enough.
Read The Work of the Living Return to Amy-Lynne Mahon’s article on bereavement and the practical and emotional demands of carrying on. Read the Article
Could this work be part of your next chapter? IEOLCA’s free reflection quiz offers a thoughtful place to explore what may be drawing you toward end-of-life doula work. Take the Free Quiz